


Can You Feel My Heart?

by lemonomin



Category: NCT, NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Alternate Universe, Feelings, M/M, explicit content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21600415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonomin/pseuds/lemonomin
Summary: Jaemin is a twenty-one year old who couldn't get a job and Mark is just too kind to let him live on his flat and feed him daily.Jaemin loves to lie and he wants to believe that Jeno is just an ethereal creation from his delusions. Jaemin wishes he isn’t real.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 10
Kudos: 39





	Can You Feel My Heart?

**Author's Note:**

> imagine Jehan is younger jeno and imagine Daegang is younger jaemin?

"Jaemin, can you see this!?"

Settling the glass of milk on the table with a loud clank, startled, Jaemin tries not to spit the liquid on his roommate's shirt. Scratching the sleep off his eyes, he squints at the piece of paper that is being shoved on his face. It was too early to yell and Jaemin is certain it's not Mark's first time seeing a receipt from the groceries either. Unless he won some lottery of sort, then it's worth throwing a party. He scans the paper, amused at the long expensive list. "Wow, we have everything. I don't even have to go outside to get food ------"

"Jaemin, these are the list of things you didn't buy this week!" Mark scowls, thrusting the grocery bags on Jaemin's chest who squealed in pain. His usual impassive face now replaced with annoyance. "I'll give you two hours to pack your things and find and new flat."

Not like Jaemin didn't hear it the last week, but he still couldn't laugh at the empty threat, for Mark might authentically mean it if he does. Taking the grocery bags, Jaemin settles them at the counter and examines the crammed edibles inside: canned goods, cereals, carton milk, and peanut butter, like the usual. Mark wouldn't send a jobless Jaemin out of their shared apartment, especially now that his very thoughtful friend earns a lot after getting promoted at work.

"Seriously, Jaemin. When are you getting a job?" Mark asked. A daily question that doesn't upset him anymore.

Jaemin should be saying something logical like getting out of the city for application since he had no luck in this neighbourhood, but he says instead, "When I get to wake up early." Half true because the previous job fairs he'd been, he always came in the last minute and he always finds himself jobless, and crying over his overt irresponsibility. Tomorrow, though, Yukhei who had too much pity for a friend like Jaemin, promised to pass his application form in case Jaemin forgets to wake up early again.

"You don't have to wait for another application six months after failing an interview just for....." Sighing, Mark sat on a chair and pulled out his wallet. Handling Jaemin a small envelope. "Just go where Jeno works. He promised to take care of you, didn't he?"

There's no need to rush. Jaemin could wait. It'll be worth the wait, Jaemin reckons. The plain thought of it puts a smile on his face. Jaemin wouldn't admit that he had no interest in working elsewhere, even if it was Jeno’s workplace. Beside, the place where Jeno worked is packed and Jaemin hates crowded placed because it makes him dizzy. But to be polite, he let's his friends assist him on finding a job, but either way Jaemin isn't interested in any of them. Silently wishing none of the companies Yukhei has passed his applications to would call him, and he'd opt to wait for six months, certain that Mark will keep him in his flat regardless.

The doorbell rang, and Mark excuses himself to come back to his room before Jaemin could rush in to answer the door, reminding him to wear a shirt at the very least. It's not the weekends, so Jaemin is surprised of the person that greets him behind the door.

"Hey, why are you he---" Jaemin was cut. Not conscious about his exposed body at all.

"Good morning too, Jaemin."

Jaemin leads them to the couch, making him sit down. They themselves comfortable, and Jaemin lies his head on his lap. It didn't take long until frail fingers are automatically making their way on Jaemin's head, massaging his hair in a soothing effect. If not for the need to talk, he'd fall asleep again.

"It's ok, you can go back to sleep."

As if reading his mind, Jaemin looks up to his eyes. Glistening dark orbs are staring back at him, and it's insane, because after all these years, Jaemin still couldn't get used to them. "But you just got here." He reasons, though closing his eyes. "Did you take a day off, Jeno?" Jaemin hears a soft hum. "But, why did you?"

"Dress up. Come with me to the school. I really don't wanna go there alone."

Jaemin saw the pout on Jeno's lips and hold back his laughter, not wanting to mess with him early in the morning, since Jeno gets easily upset. He'll be all sulky, and Jaemin wouldn't want to spend the whole day dealing with that. Standing up, Jaemin pulled Jeno with him to his room, locking the door.

It's automatic, his hands making their way to circle on Jeno's waist, lips always in search for the expanse of Jeno's neck as he kisses down to his shoulder blades. Jeno is so pale, and so thin as if he was going to break, and the soothing smell of his skin makes Jaemin unable to think. Everything about Jeno is attractive, and Jaemin may have crossed the line for being attracted.

"We don't have time for this, Jaemin." Jeno whispers.

"Is it because I haven't brush my teeth yet?" Jaemin supposes, and let's him go. He notices the way Jeno is staring at his chest.

Jaemin doesn't think he has fully awaken yet, but Jeno's sudden bold hands that grips on the garter of his boxer shorts caught him by surprise, and a warm pair of lips against his. It didn't last a long time, and Jeno pulls away quickly saying,

"Think I'd say yes?" He asked, voice unwavering. There's something apologetic by the way he talks.

Upon realizing what just happened, Jaemin withdraws from him and steps back. There's a knowing discomfort that surrounds the whole room, and Jaemin looks away.

Silence.

"I... told you, I haven't brush my teeth. I'll go take a shower, wait for me here." Jaemin excuses himself. Skin burning at the tension inside his cold room.

There's a consistent frown on Jeno's face that Jaemin assumed was from the phone call he received earlier, so he held his hand as they walk together. Relieved that a little smile made it's way on Jeno's face when he kisses the back of his palm. It's a constant routine between them, Jeno takes care of him in every way possible, treats Jaemin as if he's someone important. Jeno likes affection, and in return, Jaemin embraces him, kisses him, sleeps with him, and cracks all the simple jokes that can make him laugh. It's always been easy to please him.

It's special, what the two of them share, because Jeno is the only person who understand the complexity that is Jaemin: a twenty two year old, programming graduate, who likes to slack and can't get a job. While Jeno is a person with the immense capacity of being patient, forgiving and beautiful, Jaemin is the complete contradiction. Sometimes, he wants to get inside Jeno's head to comprehend his tolerance towards Jaemin's being.

"Did Jehan do something?" Jaemin asked finally, once they're settled inside the taxi.

"No.... But I think he's getting bullied." Jeno's bottom lip protrudes a little, but weakness isn't anything he displays in front of him, or at least nothing he would talk to Jaemin about. Because Jaemin already memorised his emotions by the simple motion of his eyes. That being said, he doesn’t know how to act around him. So Jaemin never tried to ask about how he feels.

"Oh." Jaemin gasp. "Isn't he a nice and smart kid?"

Nodding, Jeno looks down at their tangled hands, at Jaemin's fingers rubbing soft circles on his palm. A worried expression is written all over his face and Jaemin wishes he could erase that, the same way Jeno can shove away his anxiety when he's the one feeling down. But Jaemin lacks comprehensiveness towards him, he lacks in every way possible, and he knows being Jeno's bestfriend has never been enough.

There's a break of silence when Jaemin's phone starts buzzing, and he's quick on answering the call when the name flashes on his screen. His heart skipped a beat. He frees Jeno hand, facing on the other side as he speak to the phone. Jaemin is nervous, in a good way that his stomach is filled with butterflies.

"He came to the manga store I recommended him, and he got lost." Jaemin turn towards Jeno, touching his shoulder, a habit he does whenever he ask for a permission. Not like Jeno interdicts him, but Jaemin is going to ask anyway. "Jisung."

"I'll go where he is. You should come to the school without me." Jaemin tells him, getting up from his seat quickly. It's crazy, the sudden stir of emotion inside him, and the butterflies in his stomach began flapping their wings to the best of his heart. There must be a smile plastered on his face when he looks over Jeno's direction, and Jaemin is waiting for him to say anything.

Jeno looks apathetic when he nods, and he didn't say anything to Jaemin, who didn't look back as he ran to the bus driver for a stop. But he's supposed to tell Jaemin to take care on his way there, or that it's okay for Jaemin to leave and he can go alone to school without him feeling guilty of leaving Jeno on the spot. Maybe because he had nothing to say, or that it's not okay for Jeno come to the school alone, or maybe he doesn't want Jaemin to leave. But despite these premises, Jaemin didn't waver on his steps, knowing Jeno will forgive him no matter what.

The plaza was packed. Jaemin runs around in circle amongst the crowd of people, beads of sweat forms in his forehead and his knees start to hurt running up and down the stairs. But gone in an instant when he sees the tall and thin frame standing by the fountain, and Jaemin runs to him in no time, like a weightless metal that's been magnetized. A huge smile must be plastered oddly on his face, because Jisung returned it with an awkward one. But it only causes Jaemin to smile even wider when he sees his crooked teeth, too adorable for Jaemin to breathe properly. An uncontrollable heat rushing over his face whenever he sees him.

"Did I take too long?" Jaemin asked instead, worried that complimenting how good Jisung looks today might make the younger cognizant, afterall, he's shy and gets embarrassed whenever complimented. Jaemin does it a lot and learned through experience that it only makes Jisung uncomfortable and Jaemin simply bites back the words.

"I'm sorry, Jaemin hyung." Jisung says, and fidgets with his fingers.

Jaemin wants to hold his hands, and tells him it doesn't matter, but he decides not to. And a permission he doesn't think he could ask for, not the right time at least. "I told you to drop the hyung." Jaemin groans, pretending to be angry.

"But that'll be rude for me, and I got used to calling you that. I'm sorry." Jisung insists, his pretty face shows a kicked puppy expression.

There's a consistent look of confusion on Jisung's face, apologetic even when he doesn't make a mistake. Each time, Jaemin wants to protect him, and tell him everything was okay, or maybe even hold him close. Jaemin forgets his self comprehension of what's right and what's wrong, because according to his smitten self, Jisung is always right. "Fine, fine then. If you say so, Jisungie."

Jisung reddens at the nickname, or maybe because Jaemin is staring too much at him. "You didn't have to come here, though. I could've ask Chenle. But he's probably still sleeping."

Jaemin wouldn't admit that he's jealous, but he wouldn't hide it either, that it shows on his face. But there's something he wants him to know, "You can ask me. Any time. I'll come for you." That which earned a rewarding smile from Jisung, and Jaemin feels like he won the lottery. Jaemin wants Jisung to depend on him, and to confide on him. If anything, Jaemin wants Jisung to feel the same way for him.

"Oh and what were you doing before I called you here, hyung?" Jisung wonders.

"Nothing important." Or he means, not as important as you.

If this was any normal circumstances, Jaemin would complain how much he hates shopping, or the crowd. But with Jisung depending on him, asking him about the manga titles even when he hates them, it's easy to feign interested, when the object of his affection is too engrossed on them.

He watches Jisung waved goodbye, after thanking him the last time. Every second with him, each of his smiles, Jaemin knows he will never get tired of. Simply, because Jaemin is in love with him. Jisung makes him feel all emotions that his heart alone couldn't contain, and he needed a spare one. His friends call him difficult, but Jaemin wouldn't agree on that, if it only takes Jisung's smile to delighten him. Even the littlest attention Jisung gives him makes his heart flutter. Jaemin has never been in love like this, so passionately in love that he doesn't care if Mark calls him crazy.

For Jaemin, Jisung is the comfort of a life he wants to live, the sanity he wants to keep, and the hands he wants to hold. He's the wonderland Jaemin wants travel. Jaemin doesn't have to laugh at catchphrase "Love at first sight", and he didn't have to look up on the internet what it means, because the first time he sees Jisung, he's was captured. From the moment he catches him in his eyes, Jaemin wouldn't intend to let him go anymore. He could write a song on how much he loves Jisung. Jaemin can write a book of how perfect he is.

Mark may be aloof, but he's the type of roommate that listens to whatever Jaemin tells him. The proof of him being a contradict tells a lot, or whenever he dismisses Jaemin when he start to blabber nonsense about foot ball games to which Mark shows no interest to. When he finds him on the kitchen, Jaemin runs to him immediately. But not to poke fun of his frustrated cook of a roommate this time but Mark beats him to it by speaking first.

"Jeno texted me. What exactly happened? He said Jehan was being bullied at schoo--"

"Oh." Jaemin exclaimed. Forgetting the reason why he left the house in the first place, to accompany Jeno to Jehan’s high school. He walks to the kitchen, looking at the dishes Mark is making. Just then, he realized how hungry he is when he smelled the appetizing scent of beef steak. "I'll call him and ask."

"What do you mean, weren't you two together?" Mark ask with sharp questioning gaze that targets Jaemin. He walks towards his direction, holding his gaze as he demands for an answer.

A smile crept up on his face, and Jaemin knows he's blushing as he recalls today with Jisung. "Jisung called me and---"

"You left Jeno." Mark finishes for him, a supposition that never goes wrong. He sends Jaemin a look of pity, that instantly turns into a glare. Mark shakes his head and walks past him, like it's the most disappointing thing Jaemin had ever done worse than failing a job interview.

Jaemin expected that, and wishes he could read Mark's mind, why he always disapproves of Jaemin's cradle of happiness that is Jisung. Because unless Mark tells him a justifiable reason that it's not what he's thinking, then he'll continue believing that, "Why? You think I don't stand a chance? I'm not good enough for Jisung, is that it?"

Like the usual, Mark ignores this. As if he didn't hear anything and preceded on chopping vegetables on the desk. With careful eyes, Jaemin watches him, studying his face but Mark always wear a stoic expression and there's no way Jaemin could understand him unless he speaks. "I wonder if Jeno is considering Haechan’s marriage proposal for him."

"What?" Jaemin raised an eyebrow, wondering if he heard him right.

"The popular writer at his work place." Mark explains. "He's a nice guy, and he's rich, too. Jeno wouldn't have to work his ass off until 2 a.m, he can just quit his job and stay at home if he marries him."

"Are you fucking serious?" Jaemin asserted, the beef he's been chewing got stuck in his throat, difficult to swallow and it was hard to breathe. "Jeno is twenty-two! Are they even dating? So what if he's rich? That's not everything about him! Jeno probably doesn't like him at all!"

"Ah, your brain actually works?" Mark replies right away. His voice was calm unlike Jaemin's yelling. "Besides, what do you even know about what goes on inside his mind? What do you know about how Jeno feels?"

Jaemin glowers at him, restraining himself to rant at how much he knows Jeno more, his best friend, unlike Mark who's just acting like he does. It hurts that his friendship with Jeno is being questioned. He had to hold back his anger at the wrong choice of words Mark lets out all the time, because he owes him a lot. After some breathing, he finds what little of composure that is left and explains, "Well he's not going to get married. He's saving money to find a stable job abroad. He has a dream, not to marry some rich guy."

Though it seems that Mark had something more to say, he says a cautious, "If you say so." Turning his back from Jaemin and focuses on his cooking, a habit he always do when he wants to dismiss him.

Jaemin lost his appetite, and he blames the tiny bit of beef that got stuck in his throat for it. So when Mark calls him out in his room for dinner, he pretends to be asleep. But he's just under the covers, unmoving, and staring blankly on the ceiling. The brightness from the light bulb starts hurting his eyes, and he diverts his gaze on the images plastered on wall above his desk. There were tiny paper sketches that Jeno drew when he claimed to be a potential artist, a dream he'd given up because Jaemin always says he sucks at it.

[ »»To: Jenoya ]

Jeno what happened to Jehan?

Jaemin fell asleep waiting for a reply.

Despite being certain of his reasoning, Jaemin couldn't help his curiosity, intrigued by what Mark tells him the other day. So he picks up Jeno at work. Although it's a simple question, Jaemin felt a little conscious and contemplates whether if asking Jeno would be too prying. Ever since Mark asked him that question, there's a trail of thoughts he couldn't stop thinking of that made Jaemin feel uncertain. "What do you know about how Jeno feels?" Inside his head, he heard Mark questions again.

Jeno invites him in his apartment for dinner, but the food they bought from the restaurant is long forgotten when Jeno pulled him into his room. It's when Jaemin was buried in between his legs, moaning his name and begging him for more, when he remembers his intentions.

"Why did you stop?" Jeno asked, breathing heavily. His legs that were wrapped around Jaemin's back tightened though his arms that were wrapped around Jaemin's back loosens up. He looks weary, not only from their activity, but could be from work too.

"What did you say to the guy that proposed to you?" Jaemin asked, sliding out of Jeno. He heard him groan from the emptiness, and Jaemin feels needed.

"Jaemin, I'm tired." Jeno utters, voice too low.

Jaemin dwells whether or not he should ask the same question again, but Jeno has his eyes closed. He must be very tired and fell asleep in an instant. Jaemin didn't want to interrupt him any further, and pulled away from the bed, draping a blanket over Jeno's naked body.

Although this isn't the first time Jeno slept on him during sex, now there's an unwelcome sting of insecurity that stirs his insides. This never happened before. Wishing Mark never dared to question the inability of Jaemin's apprehension towards Jeno , diminishing his confidence for his existence on Jeno's life.

Jaemin didn't intend to watch Jeno sleep, to the point where he allows himself to memorize every inch of perfection on his Jeno's face. When he realized what he's doing, Jaemin rushed in to the bathroom to finish off and wash. Jeno probably turned down the proposal, because if he decides to get married out of the blue, Jaemin is the first person he will discuss to it about, and not Mark. Not that Jeno is keeping secrets from him, but it's most likely not worth telling that's why he didn't speak of it at all.

From the shower, Jaemin hears a rustle of keys and footsteps outside Jeno's room and decides to finish off. Making sure he isn't making any noise to avoid stirring into the radar of Jeno's roommate, Jaemin hates him and his itch to intrude between them all the time. When he's sure Jeno is deep on his sleep, Jaemin carefully slides down on the bed beside him, arm stretching out to turn off the dim light the desk lamp placed beside the bed, making the whole room completely dark. It's just the silence, and the sound of Jeno's breathing along with the heavy thumping of Jaemin's chest, and it startles him when an arm was wrapped around his shoulder.

"Did you let him fuck you?" Jaemin asked directly. It's one of the instances when he forgets to be logical and Jeno should be used to that by now.

"You're thinking too much. And no, I don’t." Jeno answers, voice not hoarse from his short nap and Jaemin doubts he was sleeping at all.

"That's good." He mutters right away, voice almost inaudible. Ignoring the feeling of Jeno's fingers that tickles at his stomach when he hummed. "You’d still come to your aparment on weekends?" He dares dares to ask

Jeno doesn’t answer right away and he stares uo at Jaemin, studying his face. “You think I only come to you for sex? Jaemin, I make sure you eat when Mark isn't around." Jeno says, in the most calm and reassuring tone that Jaemin wanted to believe him.

"You mean you make sure you eat." Jaemin whispers, implying something else that he knows Jeno would understand.

"You're really a pervert." Jeno says and Jaemin knows he's blushing even in the dark.

"You like it."

"Jaemin, let me sleep."

"You wish." Jaemin daunts. Removing the covers off of Jeno's body, quick hands grasping on Jeno's thighs to fully awaken him, and make him groan. A moan escaped Jeno's lips when Jaemin licks and kisses his navel, the way Jaemin does to his hole while kneading his bottom cheeks. Jaemin is aware of it's effects on him, the way Jeno takes relish whenever Jaemin explores his body with his tongue. He travels along the trace of Jeno's ribs, sucking on the pink nub that had Jeno writhing in pleasure.

"Jaemin let's not---Renjun might hear us." Jeno grunts, though his hands are gentle on Jaemin's hair.

"Let him hear us. He can go fuck himself." Jaemin enunciates, about to make Jeno crazy.

In the end, Jaemin ends up doing the thing he wants to avoid, to stare at Jeno's attractive face while he sleeps. Jaemin hates what he sees, Jeno's perfection that reminds Jaemin of his own imperfections. That even if Jaemin sees him everyday, those splendid eyes, he will never get used of them. The way he looks at Jaemin alone that could make him shiver by his simple gaze. It's funny that such ideas exist inside Jaemin's head, when Jeno will never even know that his appearance alone can make Jaemin feel unworldly senses of intimidation.

Jaemin blames the gods that carved Jeno's lips, a ravishing beauty he wouldn't dare to kiss. He hates the mole above Jeno's cheeks, which reminds him that Jeno is also a human like Jaemin, when all he just wanted to believe is that Jeno is just an ethereal creation of his delusions, out of reach even when Jaemin is holding his hands, even when Jaemin has him wrapped around his fingertips.

Losing track of the time, Jaemin only pulled out of his trance when Jeno's alarm goes off at five in the morning. He didn't allow Jeno to open his eyes, hugging him to his chest. He kissed the top of Jeno's head gently, to make up for the exhaustion he'd cause him last night

"What time do you head offto work?" Jaemin whispers, hugging his body tighter to warm up the cold skin.

"Funny you think I can go to work after last night." Jeno yawns, curling on Jaemin's chest for warmth. His naked body is still exposed to the AC.

"I drained you that much? Should I make you breakfast, then?" Jaemin coos, and everything suddenly feels wrong and he wishes Jeno would say yes.

"Let Renjun do it and stay here." Jeno pleads quietly.

"Then I'll do it before he does." Nevertheless, Jaemin is standing up. All he wanted was to break away from the embrace he initiated first. It's not the first time Jaemin felt so suffocated, or wanted to run away. It might only be in Jaemin's head, but even if Jeno holds him dearly, Jaemin is afraid of the danger that awaits him inside Jeno's embrace.

"It’s not like you’re not old enough to not know how to properly dispose the utensils, eh?”

Jaemin doesn't have to look back to know who the owner of the voice is. Perhaps, he even anticipated such intrusive comment being inside this house, where his presence isn't very delighted by everyone. Though the eggs looks burned and ugly, Jaemin preceeds on frying them, cracking another one in hopes for a better result. Neglecting the possibility that he must be an object of laughter by now being watched by a person who finished in such profession.

"Good for you I'm not dealing with an eye sore this early." Jaemin says, trying not to raise his voice to avoid being heard by Jeno inside his room. And finally, after another attempt, he was able to get an egg that looks edible.

"Stop coming here."

Though startled at the boldness of the sentence, Jaemin tries not to show it on his face. "Ah, so you've become more confident saying that to my face this time."

"This is my house, I have the right to tell you off."

"Would Jeno like your idea, then? Should we ask him?" Jaemin responded.

"Stop using him, Jaemin. I don't know what fucking sort of bribing you've done to him but---"

"Your mouth needs to rest, Renjun." Jaemin dismisses, finishing off his task with a cup of coffee. He placed them all in a tray, intentionally circling the table for his shoulder to brush off Renjun's who stepped back. Though Renjun knows Jaemin is standing so much taller than him and most likely a lot stronger if they ever decide to brawl, it's not going to happen for a reason, and that reason is Jeno.

In other words, Renjun is left with no choice but to condone to Jaemin, if not respect him. But Jaemin isn't at all nice, unlike Jeno, he's ridiculously sordid, and he knows he's gone overboard several times towards Renjun without Jeno's knowledge. Yet, he isn't one bit guilty.

"Don't wait for him, he's not going to work today." Jaemin reminds him before leaving Renjun in the kitchen.

"I tried my best." Jaemin says coyly, placing the test on Jeno's desk.

"Come on, you know I will like it anyway." Jeno reassures him, sitting up from the bed. Carefully, he took the tray and placed it on his lap. Taking a sip of the coffee Jaemin made for him.

"If it's so bad, you don't have eat them." Jaemin tells him, though a little relieved that Jeno's face didn't contort in disgust after tasting the coffee.

"Jaemin, it's just egg." Jeno laughs, taking a bite. "All eggs taste the same."

A matter of factly, it was true and Jaemin didn't protest anymore. Since it's the first time Jaemin makes breakfast for someone, it's just ordinary to feel nervous and for his palms to become sweaty as he watches Jeno eats. But since there's a constant smile on Jeno's face as he indulges on the food that Jaemin couldn't help but smile too.

"You should cook for me more often." Jeno proposes, finishing everything in a short period of time that Jaemin would like to believe was able to cook it well. He placed the tray on the desk, getting up. "Well, Renjun is probably waiting outside."

"Nope." Jaemin says, pushing Jeno back to the bed. He took his own shirt off, tongue hungrily sucking the skin on Jeno's neck.

"Jae—Jaemin." Jeno moaned, taken by surprise at Jaemin's sudden bold and forceful hands that groped at his cock.

"Louder." Jaemin commands, squeezing at Jeno's member and using his thumb to play with the the tip. His other hand making it's way on Jeno's crack to tickle his sore hole. He pushed a finger in, lips curling into a smirk when he could still feel his cum inside Jeno. "I see, you're holding up well."

"Jaemin... we can't. Renjun might hear us." Jeno protested, jerking his legs in hopes to send Jaemin away. But there's no way he'd make a move to completely push him off, that Jaemin knows for sure.

"Exactly." Jaemin whispers, tongue intentionally brushing at his earlobe. Pushing four fingers at once to breach at Jeno's hole, curling it inside. Underneath him, Jeno is a moaning mess, back arching at the sensation Jaemin is giving him. Jaemin likes him like this, naked and helpless.

"Jaemin, please." This time, Jeno begs. Opening his legs further apart for Jaemin to take him, face flushed into a bright shade of red.

There's no need to be told twice, because Jaemin is already taking his pants off. He reached out for the drawers for a pack of lube, spreading a small amount on his cock, his free hand spreading Jeno ass cheeks apart. It's still red and sore from last night, but Jaemin didn't hesitate to push in two fingers another time, scissoring Jeno. He likes the feeling of the heat when he touches him this way.

A loud strangled sob escaped Jeno's lips when Jaemin presses the tip of his cock against his hole, pushing in slowly. He doesn't allow him to adjust, stretching Jeno in what seems like an uncomfortable manner. He starts to move, pulling out just to push back in an erratic pace. It was a bad decision when he decides to look at Jeno's face, tears streaming down with eyes closed. Why are you crying? Jaemin wanted to ask, he should've asked, but Jaemin decides to bite back the question, afraid of what his answer might be.

"Turn around." He says instead, tapping Jeno on the hips to hurry him. And Jeno complies in an instant, as though he ever had the heart to oppose him. Maybe that's what makes Jaemin abusive, because he knows Jeno will oblige no matter what he says. But maybe because Jeno loves him, or no, maybe Jeno pities him, for he also know that Jaemin isn't capable of being loved by anyone. Because Jaemin is the worst, as he imagines the person underneath him was Jisung.

"Fuck, Jaemin!" Jeno screeched.

It's only when Jaemin realizes that he'd pushed too hard, balls tapping against Jeno's. Yet still, Jeno is rolling his hips back against his. He watches as another drop of tears fell down from Jeno's eyes down to the pillow. But seeing him like this, only fuels Jaemin's lust even more. Jeno clenches against him and Jaemin groans, pounding into him even deeper and faster.

"Jaemin, I'm going to ---"

Jeno didn't finish his sentence, spilling over the sheets. Jaemin pulls out completely and slams back all the way in, his cock pulsing when Jeno clenches around him again intentionally, and Jaemin's own orgasm hits him. His cum shooting inside Jeno's hole who yelps in pleasure. Jaemin slows down his pace, hands pressing down on Jeno's back to make him lie face down on the bed.

For a while, they stayed like that, Jaemin's hard cock still inside Jeno's sore hole. Only the sound of them catching breaths can be heard in the room. In a minute, the sound of door slamming from the outside echos inside Jeno's room.

"You know Renjun is grossed out when he hears us having sex, you're so mean." Jeno whispers, breathing heavily. He’d hurt enough of Renjun’s complaints from Jeno about being sexiled.

"He can move out, no one's going to stop him." Jaemin spits, though he knows Jeno will only take it as a joke.

"He did Karate as a kid, aren’t you scared?" Jeno chuckles.

"He can know tricks but I’d still be powerful. I tower over him and I know I’m stronger." Jaemin blabbers, closing his eyes.He shifts on the bed so he's pulled out of Jeno to lie down beside him.

"I know one thing you can't do, though."

He didn't expect Jeno to move closer, and Jaemin is stunned at the proximity of Jeno's face against his. A ridiculous emotion that hugs his skin, because he just fucked Jeno, and he was just inside him, yet this intimacy overwhelms him into an unexplainable extent. Jaemin can't kiss him, is what he wants to say, but he knows he wouldn't. Some words are better left unspoken, to not destroy the fragility between them. Jaemin doesn't want to kiss anyone he doesn't love.

"Jeno, you know I----" Jaemin was cut. And suddenly he forgot what he's going to say hearing the noises outside.

"Why do you have to chase me here! Just leave me alone already!"

Both Jaemin and Jeno looked at each other at the familiarity of the continual clamorous sounds outside the room.

"Were you expecting some guests?" Jaemin whispers, getting up quickly to dress and Jeno does the same, twice as fast. Before Jeno could open the door, he pulled him back to fix his disheveled hair.

"Thanks." Jeno muttered, a faint blush on his cheeks.

They have yet to come out the door, but Jeno is welcomed with a heavy embrace that creates a loud thud that Jaemin wonders if it hurts. Though his eyes grew wide at the sight of Jaemin looking at him with a wide, and genuinely questionable beam.

"Hyung, he won't stop!" Jehan mewled at Jeno's chest.

Confused, Jaemin diverts his gaze back at Daegang, who's now looking at Jeno with a wider grin that's possible. Jaemin wonders if the two kids are actually playing.

"The fuck did you come here for." Jaemin sprints to him , pinching his ears that had Daegang groaning and running behind Jeno's back. This time, though, Jehan run at Jaemin's direction to clings at his shoulder. Even if Jaemin couldn't process such occurence, it's an obvious display that Jehan is shunning away from Daegang. Which explains the mocking grin his younger cousin is sporting from the beginning. Though he knows that the two go in the same school, he didn't expect they would have such connection. Judging from how tight Jehan is grasping his shoulder, he's clearly terrified.

"Chill. I came here to ask for money from Jaemin, and he thinks I chased him."Daegang explains to Jeno, possessively hugging at Jeno's waist, an irksome smirk that he sends at Jaemin's direction.

If it wasn't illegal to punch a minor, Jaemin would do it any time of the day. But with Jeno and Jehan around, he tried to composed himself and says in an annoyed voice, "Why are you asking money from me I'm not your mother."

"How much do you need?" Jeno placed a hand on Daegang’s head.

Even if Jaemin expects Jeno would say something like that, there's a swarm of emotions that clouded his mind. Because not only does Jeno takes care of him, but he also treats Jaemin in the same manner. It's always amusing to watch, the thought of Jeno treating Daegang with a great extent of patience, when Jaemin who shares the same flesh with Daegang couldn't even stand him for two minutes. Jaemin couldn't help but believe that Jeno is truly one of God's greatest creations.

"You don't need to give him money, Jeno." Jaemin objects, but with a very low voice. Because suddenly, Jeno's presence is like of a majesty that Jaemin needs to vow down to. The thought had Jaemin's head spinning, that he turns his head to Daegang to avoid further hallucinations. "When I get a job, I'll give you my first salary to shut you up."

"Why do you need a job? Aren't you Mark hyung's maid?"

If it was from a different situation, Jaemin would've actually punched him, and kicked him even. For that joke went a little too far, but even a Jehan who's acting sulky snorts a laugh, and Jaemin feels like crying at Daegang’s impossibility. "Come here you little fuck!" He groans, jumping at the younger to grasp at his nape, manhandling Daegang away from Jeno knowing that he will try to stop them.

"Ah! Ah! No stop I just!" Daegang squirms and moves in an attempt to bite at Jaemin's arm, but Jaemin beats him to it by flicking at his forehead.

"Jaemin, let him go!" Jeno yells, but cannot move because Jehan is back to still him in his position, hiding away from Daegang.

"I just came here to give you this!" Daegang whimpered, pulling out a small envelope from his chest pocket.

"Ah." Jaemin utters, taking it in delight.

"Auntie sent you money. Damn." Daegang groaned in pain, tossing his neck backwards. "You didn't have to hurt me."

"By the way, did you two came here together?" Jeno interrupts, walking inbetween the kids before Daegang could even yank at Jehan’s arm. He shoot a glance at the confused Jaemin, gesturing his brows that he will explain everything later.

"He followed me here!" Jehan answers, scowling at Daegang.

"Why would I follow you?" Daegang snorts in disbelief, though there's an obvious smirk on his lips.

"You did!" Jehan insists.

"Jehan, I think he came here to give Jaemin's allowance." Jeno tells him, to which the younger just scowled again. He turned to Jaemin and says, "Jaemin, is that right?"

Nodding, Daegang is now sporting a very sinless expression. Of all things he'd inherit from his older cousin, it has to be him being a substandard. "But I'll walk him home though."

"No way." Jehan objects, giving a Jaemin a look and asking for help. But all he got was a shrug from a puzzled Jaemin.

"You said he almost got hit by a car once because of bad eyes." Daegang simpers, sticking his thumbs and index fingers together and bring it to his eyes that clearly implies his mockery on the thick glasses Jehan is wearing.

"Then I'll trust you on that, Daegang." Jeno smiles at him, a doubtful one.

"But hyung---"

"No buts, let's go!"

Jaemin stood there frozen and watches as Daegang pulled a helpless Jehan on the arm, running out and slamming the door on their faces. Hopeless. Jaemin shakes his head, ashamed. Such demeanor Daegang must've possibly adapted from Jaemin's abominable self, growing up with Jaemin's family. He looks at Jeno, and vaguely mutters, "You shouldn't have agreed that they leave together. Daegang is...."

"No, I trust him. He promised me something." Jeno sends Jaemin a reassuring smile. It's too early to deal with quarreling kids, so is to stomach the stupefying smile Jeno just sends him. "When I was called to their school, your aunt was there too. Jehan reported Daegang to the council because he kept on poking fun of him at school."

"That bastard!" Jaemin groaned in shame.

"Jehan didn't want to make up with him, but Jaemin promised he'd keep on trying to be friends him. Although I think it's just him harassing Jehan again." Jeno let's out an exasperated sigh "But come think of it, isn't that how we became friends? You bullied me in gradeschool."

"Why do you have to remind me that?" Jaemin groans, palming his face. The memory of his incredulous self calling Jeno “shitty four-eyes" to get his attention and to get on his nerves is utterly terrifying to recall. Though he'd made it clear to Jeno that he was sorry and regretted everything, there are times the older would bring that up to make Jaemin frustrated.

Laughing, Jeno placed a hand on Jaemin's stomach and circles behind to pull Jaemin to his chest. "I hope they don't end up like the two of us, though." He whispers.

Although Jaemin know what he meant by that, the effect it had on Jeno for him to say it out loud, he couldn't pull himself to be of any consolation. Someday, Jeno will find someone to love and who will love him in return. By that day, he would be leaving Jaemin, and all Jaemin would be doing is to watch him leave. "Say, Jeno, by any chance do you like Renjun?"

Jeno pulls away to look at him, a hint of laughter and incredulity written on his face when he answers, "Huh? It's like, me asking if you like Mark? Do you like Mark?"

Jaemin doesn't have to answer that to know that his answer is a no, using only discretion. It's different, Jaemin wants to tell him. But it's been awhile since he'd become more careful about what he says to Jeno. Being aware that doesn't have valid reason when Jeno asked him how it's not the same, so he held back his argument. "He's not..... Just not him. Not Renjun."

"Why?"

"I don't like him for you." Jaemin looks away, dismissing the topic. Nevertheless how unreasonable it may seem, but it's the truth. Though such illogical conviction from him shouldn't bear any significance, Jaemin is certain he wouldn't regret telling Jeno that. In fact, he was easy to maneuver, withdrawing his questions when Jaemin turned his back on him.

The next thing Jaemin hates after his birthday is the time of the year when every building he sees is strung with the blinding lights that changes colors in every blink, trees stuffed with glittery decorations Jaemin couldn't make out of. Not only that, but Christmas holidays meant heavy traffic and the crowds would gather up on any existing commercial buildings, restaurants, and malls.

Another thing Jaemin hates are kids, and now he's surrounded with noisy children running in circles inside the supermarket swarming around them. He happened to pick up a toy gun from the kids section, it shoots colorful plastic balls that hardly even hurt, though he expects Jeno would whine when he shoot him on the face. "Behave." Jeno tells him, eyes trained on what seemed like grocery list he'd been holding the since they got there.

Jaemin expresses his distaste in their current situation by sighing heavily, and Jeno took the cart from him to push it on his own. They're still walking and the aroma of the spices in the food section they passed through is making his stomach flip. He reached his limit when a kid, half his height, accidentally stepped on his newly washed shoes and Jaemin tries his best not to swear.

"Fuck you!" Jaemin fails, and grunts. Reaching down to his shoe to wipe off the dirt. He's lucky Jeno didn't say anything, but when his eyes found the brat clinging on the cart of what seemed like his mother, too busy checking a baseball cap, Jaemin found his chance.

The first shoot miss, the second hits the kid on the foot, and the third Jaemin makes sure he's aiming on the right angle that hits the child on the forehead, making him cry. Making sure no one had seen him, Jaemin hid behind Jeno's back and threw the toy gun on one of the self, not caring if it would hit badly on the displays.

"Jaemin, what are you doing!" Jeno wailed a whisper, jerking away from the tight grasp of Jaemin's hands on his waist that tickles him.

"Nothing." Jaemin replies quick, leaning to bury his nose on Jeno's hair. He breathes in the scent of pomegranate, and mutters something even he couldn't understand. "You smell good." He murmured absent-mindedly to divert his attention.

Jeno stopped on his tracks, looking back at him with a raised of a brow.

"You smell awful." Jaemin whispers. It was a slip of mouth and there's no way Jaemin would repeat to tell Jeno that he smells good.

Jeno ignores the comment, but stares at Jaemin's face instead that had him stepping back. "You look handsome." He quips, and offers a playful smile that Jaemin wants to erase off his face.

It was cold and Jaemin's chest starts to explode when he looks to his side and sees the kid he shoot with a toy gun, crying and pointing a finger at him. Jaemin is thankful for all the suddenly pretty kiddie caps that was displayed for the mother to notice her child, and ever so quickly, Jaemin pushes Jeno along with the cart. With his back pressed against Jaemin's chest and his hands lying atop of Jeno's hand on the handle of the cart. It’s like a rendition, of Jeno moving breathing Jaemin’s accord, even when they both know that it shouldn’t be like this.

If there's one friend that isn't nosy, apathetic on even keel, it's Hendery. As well as his constrained behavior that mirrors Mark, except he's more reticent than the other. Though he still supposes that Jaemin and Jeno are his closest friends and invites the two of them to watch a movie at the theaters, his treat. He’s more of being there, than talking. He didn't say anything when the movie starts, when Jeno draped his leg on Jaemin's, and leaning his head on Jaemin's arm. Hendery didn't seem to have any say either, but glanced at their interlaced fingers when the movie ended as they walk out of the theater.

Noticing this, Jaemin pulled away from Jeno and playfully jumps at Hendery’s back to piggyback him. Hendery’s tall figure makes it possible to carry Jaemin easily, so he didn't squirm or wiggle Jaemin out of his body.

"Hey, you're no fun. You're supposed to cuss at me." Jaemin bit at Hendery’s ear, and jumps off him. It's funny that Hendery can't ever swear and Jaemin wants to test the foul words that would slip his mouth once he gets all pissy which is unlikely to happen anyway.

"That hurts." Hendery groaned, scratching his ear. He turned to Jeno, sending a signal to ask for help to make Jaemin stop.

But Jeno is simply watching them, and there's a twist on his lips that's he's obviously just trying to keep his cool. Jaemin fights all his urge to ask him what's wrong, because he's afraid of what his answer might me. No, because Jaemin knows the answer, and he doesn't think he could commit to anything that Jeno might ask of him. Not now, not tomorrow. Jeno can eat away his jealousy.

"Do you guys like ice cream? Should we get ice cream? Ice cream is really nice."

The atmosphere became less tense, and Jaemin ganced at Jeno to stiffle his laughter at Hendery’s attempt to engage a conversation. Jeno was smiling a little too when he walks over Hendery and says, "Let's get ice cream. That'll be nice."

"What. Your throat is going to hurt." Jaemin chides, pinching slightly at Jeno's side.

Of course Jaemin was certain that Jeno will agree on that. Even if it's entirely stupid to eat ice cream on a winter inside a freezing mall, Jeno shall still agree to it so Hendery wouldn't feel upset. Jeno caught his gaze and flashes him a smile that shows his teeth. Jaemin's lips tremble, perhaps from the horror of having to eat ice cream on a weather like this.

They found a table along the window glass of the ice cream shop. The store facing the wet road that glistens with the bright lights from the tall buildings that surrounds the area. There aren't much cars on the usually busy street, and Jaemin is dazed by the colorful umbrellas carried by the people that roamed outside. It's still raining.

"I'll have chocolate." Jeno tells Hendery.

"Taro for me." Jaemin says and Hendery runs for their order.

Despite the chilling weather, the shop is still cramped by mostly children and Jaemin wonders what delight awaits from eating ice cream and getting tonsilitis afterwards. He didn't noticed his brows curling at the thought, until he felt a warm finger that pokes lightly on his forehead. "Stop frowning, that's not cute."

Jaemin looks up at him. Jeno's ears are red, and his cheeks are tinted pink from the cold. Disheveled hair going everywhere but it didn't diminish the quality of his enticing face, in fact, it's an adoring reminder that Jeno is human too. Perfect didn't exist, yet, there's Jeno who's more than what the word means.

"Hey I'm joking. You're so handsome."

It happened too quick, and Jaemin doesn't know why he flinched. Could be from the uncanny thoughts he's having right now that he jerked when Jeno reached out to his cheek. With this reaction, Jeno immediately retracts his hands and turns his gaze elsewhere. Presumably embarrassed for his actions that creates an awkward atmosphere between them.

But nothing wrong happened, and Jeno shouldn't feel declined for his simple gesture. Yet, Jaemin couldn't console him. Too wary to around him that he couldn't consider the possibility that a single word for him could make it all better.

The tension disappeared when Hendery came back holding a tray with ice cream cups on them. Jaemin's mouth waters at the sight of the sweet that's placed right before him. The Taro ice cream have chocolate sprinkles on them, a wafer stick, and caramel syrup that's drizzled on it.

"And I thought this was a terrible idea." Jaemin admits, diving onto the ice cream and ignores Hendery’s questioning look at him.

"Is it your first time eating ice cream?" Hendery shakes his head at him.

"It's just so good!" Jaemin bawls at him. "Try it!" Jaemin takes a spoonful of the vanilla ice cream, and reaches over the table. A pang of guilt rushes over him when Jeno sents him a hesitant look before taking it in his mouth. However, Jaemin opens his mouth too, raising his brows to signal Jeno to do the same. Just when he thought he was devouring the best flavor, the chocolate is another thing. It wasn't too sweet like he expects, but probably the most delightful ice cream he'd ever had.

"It's good, right?" Jeno smiles coyly at him.

"Yes but don't eat everything. Take care of your throat." Jaemin reminds Jeno.

"What do you need Jeno's throat for?” Hendery asked and maybe, he hissed. There was nonchalance on his face, yet Jaemin is still flustered whether or not Hendery is trying to imply anything on that question. "It's not like he's a singer or something. You kept complaining about his throat like he’s your child.” He adds, sipping the last of the ice cream that was left on his cup.

And finaly Jaemin thinks it's the proper time to shut up and just enjoy his food.

There aren't much people who can tolerate Jaemin's persistence aside from Jeno, but Mark is one, despite him being gloomy and insulting. So without hesitation, Jaemin came barging in Mark's room, neglecting the fact that the older just came home and resting from work, from which the two of them gets sustenance from. He didn't think twice either, using a pillow to smother to older to have him awake, to which never fails in any way that Jaemin finds convenience on doing so.

"Jaemin! Goddamnit!" Mark snarled at him.

"The guy you mentioned," Jaemin starts, taking a careful step to sit on one side of the bed. To his luck, Mark looks too worn out for a requite. "Jeno isn't even dating him."

"Oh that." Yawning, Mark sat up. As though the topic greatly picked his interest to which Jaemin fears what's coming out of his mouth next. "I think I got confused with names. Perhaps it was Renjun who asked Jeno to marry him, but I can't be sure."

To no avail, it was an obvious lie. When Mark usually isn't a person who immerse into someone else's matter, his ability to prevaricate is cheap and it's easy to read that. However, there's clearly an intention behind it and Jaemin wants to know why Mark is doing that.

"How did you know all that?" Jaemin asked. The last time he checked, Mark has no close relation to any of their friends aside from Jaemin himself. He doubts Mark gets to talk with neither Renjun or Jeno over what could be private matters. Aside from Jeno asking where Jaemin is over some texts, or the other way around, there’s nothing more they would talk about.

"I overheard it from a friend. Though I can't believe Renjun is still asking Jeno out despite knowing his affairs with you." Mark explains and snorts at the thought.

"What do you mean by that?" Jaemin scoffs, standing up. What lie is Mark making that he starts to believe it himself?

"Nevertheless, it's nice. They'd make a good couple, don't you think?" Mark supposes, eyes darting on Jaemin's owns. He lie back on the bed and tucks himself under the covers. "Well, nevermind. You don't have to answer that. If the subject riles you up so much, you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. Let me go back to sleep."

The subject doesn't rile him up, but it's the way Mark speaks with a tone that could put anyone on edge. If Jaemin didn't owe him too much, Mark should worry about being punched or degraded, for Jaemin can be nasty if he wants to. He muster up all the patience that he has left, and says through gritted teeth, "Yeah, you should go back to sleep."

"Anything else you need to say before I do?"

Jaemin flashes him a one last glare, to warn him maybe, and walks out of the room with a slam on the door. With that, he hopes Mark gets the message to shut up. Though he doubts he can get himself to hate Mark, in as much the rent of the floor he's stepping on is paid by him, and the food Jaemin ingests on a daily basis is provided by him, it was impossible. Yet that don't mean he can't get angry, and it's an absurd thinking for him to only be swallowing any of Mark's dissing.

The gloomy weather didn't help either, only adding up to the rubbish thoughts that wells up on Jaemin's chest. If there's anything Jaemin hates the most, it's whenever someone lies to him without a rational intention, and it's obvious Mark did just that to get on his nerves. Before Jaemin could run back inside the room and swung Mark a punch he deserves, he stiffened at the knock on the door. "Damn it." Jaemin muttered under his breath, giving the shoe racks a swift kick to compensate for his unreleased rage.

After a few seconds of trying to find his composure, Jaemin opens the door, wearing his signature wide toothy smile. His eyes grew wide seeing both Jeno and Jehan drenched with rain. "What happ--" Jaemin bites back the question, that could wait. He opened the door wider, almost stumbling and says, "Come in!"

"We didn't have umbrella and got caught up in the rain walking to the station." Jeno states, taking a seat on the couch with Jehan following suit.

He hands Jeno a towel that was resting on the table. Seeing the way Jeno is clutching his own hands and white at the coldness, Jaemin reacted on an impulse and took off the hoodie he was wearing, hitting his newly pierced ear in the process. Jaemin bit his tongue at the croak that was coming, tossing the hoodie at Jeno who looked surprise at his action. "O--okay, that won't do. I'll get something else." He says, running to his room to pick a blanket. Hurriedly rummaging through the drawers to find an unused blanket, sniffing it to make sure it's clean, according to Jeno standards. And lending him the hoodie he's wearing was a crazy idea to begin with.

Literally, Jaemin runs outside with a blanket in hand. To his surprise, Jeno was wearing the hoodie and he snorts at the thought. "You...you don't have to wear that." He whispers, Jeno looks up at him and he froze. Probably because it's cold and he's now only wearing a shirt with thin fabric.

"Hmm?" Jeno questions, raising a brow to whatever Jaemin muttered. The loud sound of the raindrops outside makes it impossible for a whisper to be hear.

"I should get you something hot to drink." Jaemin says, nodding to himself at the bright idea. Wrapping the blanket around Jeno shoulders before he heads to the kitchen.

It's gotten really cold and Jaemin is thankful for the thermos Mark brought recently, it saves time that he didn't have to boil water at occassions like this, Jeno freezing to death wouldn't be a sight to see. Just then, he remembers the conversation he had with Jeno yesterday, "Just not him. Not Renjun." He recalls saying. It wasn't a hunch, but an absolute certainty he had in mind since meeting Renjun. But now it seemed hilarious that he even had such a thought. He realizes how much of an illogical excuse it's been all along. Renjun has a stable job, a car, manners and skills. In fact, he doesn't lack on anything, unlike Jaemin who lacks on every coherent structure of what makes a man. He laughs to himself for the put-down that slips out his mouth, to which more suitably should be aimed at him.

The whole idea was to not take too long, yet Jaemin is too caught up with his own thoughts and he heard footsteps behind him.

"I came to check on you." He hears Jeno says.

Jaemin is certain his hands were shaking because of the cold, and could be the same reason why he's nervous. "I.. I prepared chocolate for Jehan. Coffee, for you."

"Thank you."

His voice was soft and Jeno took the cup, and his bright smile emits to the whole room. It's so lame for Jaemin to be standing still, only watching him, yet he knows everyone else would feel the same, captured, if someone as pretty as Jeno smiles at them.

"It's nice." Jeno says.

This time, Jaemin avoided it when Jeno looks at him, and picks the another cup on the counter. "I made chocolate for Jeno since he hates milk, right?"

"You know him well." Jeno chuckles.

"Of course." Jaemin agrees, following Jeno back to the living room."He's a lot like you. Except, more handsome." He jokes, earning a slap on the arm. "Hey, shouldn't you be happy I'm complimenting your little brother?"

"Thank you, Jaemin hyung." Jehan says, happily taking the cup.

"Jehan, it seems your brother here couldn't accept the fact you're more handsome than he is." Jaemin playfully whispers to Jehan, though loud enough for Jeno to hear.

"Jaemin I swear." Jeno warns, an obvious empty threat. Though his eyebrows make it look like he's always angry, his angelic face makes up for it, and knowing him for a long time, Jeno can't even kill a bug.

"Because you always say that he’s pretty, not handsome." Jehan clarifies. “Can a man be pretty?”

Taken a back by the response, Jaemin glances at Jeno's side, a hint of red on his cheeks that was probably from the warmth of the cup he's holding close to his face. What was he worried about? It's not like Jehan has any idea of what they do behind close doors.

“Daegang calls every girls that at school." Jehan tells him.

"Well, would you look at that. He's a lot like his cousin." chides in, looking at Jaemin and laughing.

"I think Daegang has five girlfriends or something." Jehan adds.

Jeno laughs again, and says, "He's no match for Jaemin, then. In gradeschool, he has like a hundred or more."

"Hey that's...." Jaemin watches the way Jeno laughs, his eyes turning to crescents and the sound of his laughter rings to his ears. Jeno talks about him so unwarily, and Jaemin reddens in embarrassment. "That's not true. It's not my fault all the girls want me!" He defends, as though it was going to make any sense.

"That's something Daegang always say, too." Jehan says, shifting on his seat to distant from Jaemin who's sitting beside him.

"I see, you like talking behind his back." Jaemin faced the younger, feigning spleen.

"Well he'd call me nerd on my face, a lot, in front of everybody. Talking behind his back wouldn't recompense one bit on that. " Jehan explains.

"You're still talking behind his back!" Jaemin accuses.

"It's not like we're friends."

Sighing, Jaemin accepts defeat that there's no way he can argue against a top student in class. The siblings, drenched in rain he helped just awhile back now braced together to bully him, what a turn out of events. As much as he'd want to strangle the life out of Jehan, he restrained himself having Jeno around. He doesn't know anything of Daegang’s hidden agenda but judging from the way Jehan speaks about him, Jaemin is certain there's a problem between those two. Although Jeno never confronted him about that, he'd like to have a word with Daegang. Because while Jaemin is merciless, Jeno is too forgiving.

"That's enough, Jehan .You're putting Daegang into trouble at that." Jeno says finally after a long silence, to which the younger nods. He winked at Jaemin, signaling him to stop talking too.

Jaemin swore his face turns to another level shade of red, from what could be losing on an argument to a kid. "I hate children." He mutters, face palming.

From his seat, Jeno stand up and placed a hand on Jaemin's shoulder, which lingers long that had his breath hitch at the touch. Jaemin avoids Jeno's gaze when the older tells him, "Thanks for the drink. We should head home before it rains again."

Jaemin tries to make himself aware of the surrounding and looks around, as though he could see the condition outside through the walls. "Oh yeah, it stopped raining." He muttered mindlessly and stands up.

"And before I forget, I should give this back to you." Jeno shifts to takes off the hoodie, which causes his shirt to went up to his chest which he fixes immediately.

It could've been due to the dimmed room, that the paleness of the expanse of Jeno's stomach had caught his attention that had him staring on his now clothed torso. Jaemin didn't miss the marks on Jeno's delicate skin that he knows was from his doing and Jaemin felt his face heat up, an uninvited reaction because Jaemin had taste him, touched every inches of his skin that Jaemin need not to feel abashed to think about their intimacy.

"Jaemin." Jeno calls again, and gently thrusted the hoodie on his chest.

"Yeah but..you..." Jaemin blinks at him, his mind thrown off from the thoughts he was having just now. And Jeno is looking at him with expectant eyes, waiting for him to speak and Jaemin stepped back from his gaze, his eyes fell on the drawer above the shoe racks and he dashed there quickly and rummages for umbrellas he hands the siblings immediately. "Here, take them just in case. Mark has a lot of them. He's forgetful and always leave his umbrella at home whenever the sky decides to rain because God hates him. He always ends up buying at the convenient store. Now he have at least twenty of them, He's probably collecting umbrellas or something."

Chuckling, Jeno hits Jaemin on the chest. "I know what's next, you'd call him a weirdo."

"I didn't say that, you did. I never even thought of that!" Jaemin feigns innocence, raising his hands in defense.

"What were you thinking, then?" Jeno inquires.

"Your face." Jaemin replies, unaware of the backwash of his actions towards their current situtation.

"Aren't you cute?" Jeno says after a long pause.

"Well, aren't you pretty?" Jaemin unmindfully retorts, his hands even reaching up to Jeno's cheeks. There's a knowing gaze Jeno sent him like a warning, and when Jaemin looks at Jehan’s side, and he realizes the boy was quietly watching them. Immediately, he retracts his hands. Opting to scratch the back of his head instead. What is Jaemin doing? Normally, he's the most cognizant on how he should act around Jeno whenever anyone is around, heedful of the secrets that's meant to be hidden, to avoid any more complication of the intricacies their in now.

"We'll go, Jaemin hyung." Jehan waves at him. “Thank you for the chocolate.”

Jeno gave him a one last smile, before exiting the door and Jaemin watches them leave. Jaemin remained frozen, eyes trained at the door, and he crouched down, burying his face on his hand, "What the fuck, Jaemin?" He grunts to himself.

[»»To Yukhei: ]

i'm so sad Mark hates me

[«« From Yukhei : ]

What do you want me to do?????? I'm at work.

[»» To Yukhei : ]

bring Jisung to me T.T

[«« From Yukhei: ]

What??? And what are you going to do with him??

[»» To Yukhei: ]

kiss him or something. idk, maybe take him from behind?

[««From Yukhei: ]

WHAT THE FUCK Jaemin? You're not serious are you

[»» To Yukhei: ]

i just want him so baaaaaad but i'm too embarrassed to text him first

[«« From Yukhei: ]

Well you should be! Don't you have Jeno?

[»» To Yukhei: ]

what??

[«« From Yukhei: ]

Go bother him not me

For the moment, Jaemin felt his lungs tighten. Of course he had misinterpreted Yukhei's message, he meant to say Jaemin should be bothering Jeno instead and not someone at work like he is. Though that afternoon, Jaemin fell asleep staring blankly at the ceiling, sleeping through the exasperating thoughts that lingers in his head. Mark is responsible for all this, and Jaemin swore they aren't done yet.

One afternoon when they were having a drink at Yukhei's apartment, Jaemin followed him to the kitchen and help him prepared the snacks. His main purpose though, was to turn off the loud music booming the area from the speaker inside Yukhei's room, loud surroudings is definitely one of his pet peeves. When he succeeded on slipping in and successfully turning it off, Yukhei gave him a look and Jaemin replies with just a smile. Jaemin is lucky Yukhei just shrugged it off, instead of interrogating him with questions, Yukhei has a thing for asking whenever whatever.

Jaemin is just being extra cautious, knowing Yukhei would most likely catechize him from their texts the other day. Too bad Jaemin was too out of it that day, and his desperation for Jisung had caused him to even message Yukhei his feelings. From the way Yukhei gazes at him with judging eyes, Jaemin wishes he could take that back. It's not like it was a secret that he likes Jisung, but if they have expected Jaemin's affection to be entirely innocent and sincere, then Yukhei is bothered for sure. In any case, he could elaborate how much he aspires to be the best person there is for Jisung, and with no dirty intentions. For it was easy to convince and to believe his own self. Even if Yukhei would call him defensive, Jaemin wants him to know how much he means well.

"About---" Jaemin was cut.

"So, it's Renjun and Jeno together?"

"Huh?" Jaemin muttered, raising a brow at the question. He followed Yukhei's gaze to the table in the living room and sees Jeno resting his head on Renjun's shoulder. "He's just sick. Why the fuck would they be together?" He chides, surprising himself at how defensive it sounded.

Yukhei looks up at him, only staring and not seem to have a remark. "We ran out of chicken feet, thanks to you."

Jaemin went back to the table, when he realizes Yukhei wasn't doing anything but only pretending so, probably to avoid drinking too much. If Yukhei's distraction is elsewhere from the last messaging conversation they had, then Jaemin worried over nothing. He ignores the hand Jeno placed on his knee, eyes trained on whatever Jisung was saying. He was talking comically with Renjun, but it was Renjun, and Jaemin wouldn't admit or try to show that he's jealous. Ever since Jaemin stepped a foot inside Yukhei's apartment, Jaemin tries to shake it off when Jisung greeted Renjun first, and Yukhei who opened the door for them sent him a knowing look. Still, it didn't make up for it when Jisung greeted Jaemin with a hug.

In all actuality, Jaemin has been schooling a pleased expression, not wanting to show the tingling jealousy that saunters around his chest, making it hard to breathe. He wants to leave the place, but he has no proper excuse to do so. If he waits, maybe Jisung will notice and talk to him too.

He glances on Renjun's direction, and he sees the way his hand are wrapped behind Jeno's back, fingers tapping on his side. Jeno shifts on his seat, and leans in closer to completely rest his weight on Renjun who laughed and takes away the shot glass Jeno was about to drink. Jisung was still talking. He plays with his cup, tapping it's mouth and staring blankly at what looked like a small nacho chip that fell on the table. It wasn't interesting, but fairly more interesting than whatever it is Renjun and Jisung are talking about. If Jaemin had known this was going to happen, he shouldn't have came here.

"Jaemin hyung, would you like another drink?"

His heart flutters, by the confused expression Jisung sends him after the little rejection when Jaemin vehemently shakes his head. He was just thinking of fleeing out of the place, because it hurts when the person he came there for isn't paying all his attention to him. He believed it wasn't too much to ask for, it wouldn't be difficult for Jisung to talk to him for hours, focus his attention on him, if he has Jisung in his head the whole time.

""Ah--- I'm good." Jaemin smiles at him. Though he'd like to drink more, he wouldn't want to be drunk and trouble everyone like the last time. To which he ends up regretting, embarrassed at Jisung seeing him in such a state, when he was sober on the next morning.

"How good?" Jisung asked, sending a playful smile at him. Cackling, Jaemin threw a piece of malteser at him that he caught in one hand, and eats it. "Hey don't waste good food!"

"I'm not wasting them, I'm feeding your lonely stomach. Now stop drinking and just eat." Jaemin tells him, reaching out to place another piece of malteser on Jisung's mouth to which the younger gladly took. He swore it wasn't intentional, when his index finger brushed against the bottom of Jisung's lips, yet it made his body shiver. What would it feel like to kiss him? Jaemin wonders. Jaemin felt his palms sweats when Jisung opened his mouth again, and Jaemin tries not to topple on the table, when he reached out yet again. This time, he deliberately pulls his hand slower, his fingertip brushing yet again on Jisung's lip. Maybe, Yukhei was right after all.

He looks over at Jisung, his expression was nonchalant as he chew on his food. Perhaps the initiation didn't have much effects on him as much as it had on Jaemin.

"My turn!"

Jaemin had no time to process it when he hears Jisung's announcement, and the younger was quick on standing up and darts the ball of malteser inside Jaemin's mouth, making him choke. Jaemin coughs, clutching at his chest.

"Oh my god Jaemin hyung, are you okay?"

There's a tinge of worry when Jisung asked that question, and that was too important to Jaemin, so he dared to say no even when he's mindful of Yukhei coming back to the table and taking a seat beside Jisung, he coughs even more.

"Jaemin hyung, I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Jisung panics, lending him a glass of water.

Overwhelmed even with the slightest of attention Jisung gives him, Jaemin was subconsciously gripping the joint of Jeno's knee under the table when he drinks the water, until the latter jerks a little. The squeeze probably tickled him.

He pulled his hand away when he saw the discomfort that was painted on Jeno's face. "Oh--I'm sorry." Jaemin whispers, feeling ashamed at his action. Though Jeno sends him a smile that seemed forced, Jaemin returns it with a huge beam.

"Jeno, do you wanna leave?"

Jaemin heard Renjun asked, and glanced on his direction. For a moment, their eyes met, and Jaemin diverted his gaze back on Jeno, eyebrows furrowing in question. Why would Jeno want to leave? If it's about him being quiet all this time, it's because he's sick and tipsy, and knowing Jeno, he'd be opting to be silent to avoid making mistakes. As much as he'd want to argue about it being a ridiculous question, Jaemin wouldn't want Jisung to see him in a heated conversation with Renjun, which happens too often to the point where Jaemin gets pressured to say things he didn't want to. Perhaps, he expected Jeno to shake his head and say no, but Jeno was just staring at Renjun as if that was the answer to his question.

There's a pang of conscience, and Jaemin should've listened to Jeno when he said he wasn't feeling well and shouldn't have asked him for company. Yukhei invited everyone for a drink and pizza, and Jaemin was eager when he found out Jisung was joining too. Completely ignoring the fact of how it would affect Jeno. He heard Renjun's disapproval that Jeno need not to come, but Jaemin felt triumphant when Jeno assures Jaemin that he's going.

"Yukhei hyung, I'm not drunk." Jisung giggles, hitting the older in the arm.

If Jaemin knows Yukhei isn't interested in guys, he'd be jealous. But he laughs when Jisung caught him staring, to redeem himself. "I told you not to drink much, look how red your face is."

"I look that ridiculous?" Jisung gasp, covering his face with his palms. A habit he does when he's embarrassed. It's just one of his behavior that Jaemin memorized, but his favorite would be whenever Jisung flutters his eyelashes when he's delighted, or when he learned something new. The very reason why Jaemin takes advantage of his childish demeanour, for Jisung is fond of Japanese animations, mobile games, that Jaemin knows so much about.

"Ridiculously handsome." Jaemin says, a matter of factly. His devotion to Jisung wasn't a secret, and perhaps Jisung knows it too.

"Even more handsome than Jeno hyung?" Jisung prompts, so innocent that bears no intention of it to sound harsh. In fact, he'd dreamily compliment the older a dozen of times, and with Jeno being his standard of handsome.

"Renjun, let's go home." Jeno says, finally, though his eyes lingers a little at Jisung direction. He stood up and looks at Jaemin, asking, "Are you staying?"

He fell in silence, sporting the most calm expression he can show to Jeno. It wasn't a difficult question at all, but Jaemin finds it hard to response, and staring back at Jeno isn't the answer for that question either. "I..."

"You can stay." Jeno whispers, picking up his things at the table. He's certainly having a hard time, being sick. But Jaemin knows more than that, yet he couldn't ask Jaemin to leave with him. But still, he'd let Jaemin stay, aware that Jaemin wanted to, and even sends him a smile. It's just one of his perfect qualities, so Jaemin wouldn't feel guilty about asking him here.

"Leaving already?" Yukhei asked when Renjun stood up too.

"I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well." Jeno says. Sending Jaemin a final glance before leaving the table with Renjun and they watches them leave.

Though Jeno doesn't look like he's angry at Jaemin at all, it still felt like a slap on the face, the knowing glance Renjun shoots him when they walk out the door, which influences him to feel even guiltier. An endless challenge lives on between him and Renjun, and he thinks today, that it ended. Jaemin doesn't know what it was that ended, whatever nonexistent competition there is, but a hunch that maybe, there are places and people he should stop getting involved with. Maybe a limit, and a claimed possessions he needs to let go of, which is Jeno.

After a few minutes of silence, Jisung is the first one to speak. "Jeno is the one who's ridiculously handsome, even when he's sick." Jisung concludes, with a dramatic sigh. "Why don't you ask him to be your boyfriend, Jaemin hyung?"

"Are you crazy?!" Jaemin retorts quick and maybe it sounded harsh, staring at Jisung in disbelief. For a brief moment, Jaemin was stunned. He didn't think Jisung would conclude the matter, the unimaginable that even Jaemin avoids to think about. "You're drunk, you're really drunk. Let's get you home."

"Wow." There's a knowing expression of incredulity on Yukhei's face, that he would carry on with that topic and poke fun of Jaemin if Jisung wasn't around.

Unsure of what Yukhei would or would not be saying, he took the safe side, grabbing Jisung on the arm and pulling him up. Though Jisung is taller than him, he was able to manhandle him outside of Yukhei's apartment. And they were close, so close that Jaemin could feel his face reddened. Jisung is holding on his arm for balance, head slightly leaning against his shoulder.

"I'm not drunk, Jaemin hyung."

"I'm still taking you home." Jaemin insists, one arm snaking at Jisung's back to hold his waist. Though they've never been this intimate, he can't change the human nature of self control, for his attraction to Jisung is invariably out of hand.

"You're a really nice hyung."

Laughing, Jaemin pulls him closer, feeling the warmth of Jisung's body that filled his stomach with butterflies. The ideology: heaven by yourside, may be real afterall. "I sure am."

"Oh hey, mother of ditch." Jaemin heads straight to the kitchen the next morning when he sees Mark, who worked on a night shift, his way of greeting the older only to enjoy his complaints of Jaemin's impoliteness.

"I have work, and it's not like Yukhei is going to pay me for being drunk." Mark quips, washing his hands and whisking it on Jaemin's face. "Nothing a jobless person like you would understand."

"Wait till I get a job, I'll buy you some friends." Jaemin retaliates quick, as someone who'd witness the older's agony several times, the fail attempts of Mark to conceal his introversion.

"What job? Blow job?" Mark concludes.

"Eh, funny." Jaemin hurls back, though he wants to protest at the foul language but he isn't one to lecture at that.

"Who's there?" Mark asked. Expect him to be overtly worried of the amount of people on his surroundings. Mark confesses to Jaemin once that he feels uncomfortable whenever he's surrounded with people.

"Jisung. Renjun. And Jeno too." Jaemin answers.

"Jeno?" Mark ask turning towards him, there's an obvious scowl on his face. When Jaemin nods, he turns the stove off. Leaving the chore and giving his complete attention on Jaemin. "I can't believe it."

"Huh?" He raised a brow.

"Jaemin, what are you doing?" Mark asked, crossing his arms on his chest.

"What?" Jaemin steps back. It's not always that Mark can manage to look intimidating, when in fact he's one of the nicest person that Jaemin knows, but it seemed that he's about the throw a fit at this moment.

"What have you been doing tagging Jeno along with you when Jisung was there, don't you care about how he feels?"

"What the fuck are you saying?" Jaemin replies, perplexed at the change of Mark's tone. It's not the first time Mark is engaging him on a type of conversation that gets to his nerves. It’s not like he didn’t understand what Mark is saying either.

"Who do you think you are making him feel miserable all these time? As if using him isn't enough!" Mark glowers, eyeing down at Jaemin as he towers over him.

"E--excuse me? Mark, fucking get your shit together." Jaemin laughs, because if Mark is joking, it's going too far with his choice of words.

"No, Jaemin. You get your shit together. You know Jeno loves you more than anyone. You know he fucking loves you, Jaemin. But your sad excuse of a brain never considered that. Cause you're too busy liking someone else while crushing Jeno's heart, you're the worst." Mark chides, walking behind the table and placed his palms flat at the surface.

"Have you gone nuts?" Jaemin managed to retaliate, catching on that Mark isn't actually joking. He never was. Where all this word vomit coming from, Jaemin would want to know, what this irrational argument Mark always try to occupy him to. Perhaps Jaemin could comprehend a little what he meant, or maybe fully, but Jaemin is Jaemin and he's going to feign ignorance. "Can you shut up now?"

"Why? Does it make you feel guilty? You don't wanna hear it? I did hit a nerve didn't I? You hate hearing the truth, don't you?" Mark supposes, talking too fast. It's obvious, that it was his intention to make Jaemin uncomfortable. From how he speaks confidently, it's not just to disorient Jaemin, but to make him feel guilty.

If that's all Mark is asking for, Jaemin would be capable of writing a book of how much he feels sorry for Jeno. But Jaemin is too stupid to apologize, and he wouldn't do that. The influence was heavy, for Jaemin has so much trust in Mark that it seemed impossible for him to wrong Jaemin despite his attempts before that Jaemin always take as a joke. Yet, he's the first one to condemn him. There's a rush of emotions, and Jaemin felt like he was stabbed in the chest. Mark should've seen through that already, from the first time he spoke, the aghast expression Jaemin has given him. He should've stopped the moment Jaemin's voice cracked.

"When did you become so nosy?" Jaemin whispers, mind unclear of their dispute. The immensity of the words Mark spits to chastise Jaemin kept on taking his unawares. "And who do you think you are to know how Jeno feels?!"

"You're so easy to read, Jaemin. You keep Jeno with you, because you need him. And what did you told me before? You only like his appearance and nothing more? Taking your lust on him and ignoring his pain because Jisung--" Mark rants again, this time, more forthright. His eyes are still trained on Jaemin, a clear purpose of obliterating all of Jaemin's pride he had left within him.

"Stop it! Leave Jisung out of this!" He screams, and regrets how much it sounded like a plead.

"I see, you like him that much. But that's not reason enough for you to hurt Jeno." Mark confirms, but with a low voice this time. "Jaemin, he's done so much for you."

"It's not my fault that he likes me so much! And if I can't love him, that's his problem. Not yours! Not Jisung's!"

Mark looks away from Jaemin, letting out an exasperated sigh that was intend for him to hear, and to interpret. "I just... can't believe it. Stop being so selfish, Jaemin. Don't make Jeno suffer like that, he'd love you since we're in high school. Don't you think it's the right time you talk---"

Jaemin had enough, and maybe he only imagined the creaking sound of the door outside because he’s too angry, walking out of the kitchen to dismiss Mark.

He lies flat on the floor of his room, ignoring the coldness that kisses his skin. It was nothing compared to what Jaemin is feeling right now. There was so much to think about, too much that it all became a blur inside Jaemin's mind that he starts to feel lightheaded.

Jaemin didn't think he would come to the point where he'd would voice it out, but not to the the subject of the matter at the very least.

M

Jaemin doesn't know what else is important, so he ignored the ringing of his phone. Non-stop, until it bothered him too much and throwing his phone to silence it wouldn't solve anything either. When he swipes to the screen, it was Hendery calling.

"Jaemin, can you pick Jeno up at my apartment? He's wasted. And injured."

He didn't have time to contemplate, or understand the situation. But his body is acting on his own, and he finds himself running outside of the asphyxiating apartment.

"Wh--what happened?!" Jaemin runs inside immediately when Hendery steps aside to let him in. There, he saw Jeno lying on the couch, asleep.

"Thank God, he'd stop." Hendery says, following Jaemin to the living room. He points at the scattered objects on the floor. "I thought he'd intend to break my house."

"What did you do to him?!" Jaemin accuses, scurrying to Jeno and kneeling beside him. Jaemin uses his fingers to trace the line of small blood that runs along Jeno's lips. He noticed the bags under his eyes, and Jeno reeks of alcohol too.

"Me? Oh I helped him calm down." Hendery replies, and walks to the shelf to fix the what looked like a broken small aquarium.

"He can't drink too much! You, of all people, should know that!" Jaemin scowls at Hendery. He was Jeno's classmate and roommate in college, having more experience than Jaemin of the hardship of dealing with a drunk Jeno.

"Wait, me?" Hendery protested. "Actually, I was sleeping and he came here knocking. I only opened it because I thought it was pizza man, but turns out it was him, drunk, and he broke everything."

Jaemin let's out an exasperated sigh, still unable to grasp the situation. Why would Jeno go out drinking and barged in to Hendery’s flat that's at least thirty minutes away from his home at ten o'clock in the morning? That doesn't make sense.

"Just stop yelling, if he wakes up he might break everything again." Hendery reminds him in panic, and sauntered into the kitchen, bits of broken glasses in hands.

Jaemin absent-mindedly nodded, and looks at Jeno. He uses his fingers to brush away the hair on Jeno's forehead, careful not to wake him up. He shifts on the couch, and Jaemin sees his hands, red and there more scratches of blood. "Just...what happened to you?" He whispers, unaware of the tears that falls on his cheeks. Mirroring Jeno's own, he wonders if Jeno could hear him.

Jaemin stand up and steps away, for he won't be able to mask the overwhelming emotions that written on his face, in case Jeno decides to opens his eyes and ask him why. He covers his mouth to muffle the sob that was about to escape his lips, not wanting Hendery to see him in such a state either. Until there was a loud bang on the door and he sees Renjun bursting inside.

"What happ---" Renjun wasn't able to complete the question when his eyes find Jeno on the couch.

"Oh, thank god you came." Hendery looks contented upon Renjun's arrival, and he sighed in relief. It’s as if Jaemin’s presence wasn’t needed there.

"Wh---what?" Jaemin couldn't stop his mouth from asking, offended at that. When did it become Renjun that Jeno needed, and not Jaemin? “Why do you have to call him when I'm already here?!"

The way Renjun looks at him holds no intent of challenge, that had Jaemin biting his tongue to silence himself. "He's my roommate, and I brought my car I can take him home."

Still, that didn't stop Jaemin from feeling derogated. Renjun already gave him a answer to his question. Maybe the battle is only in Jaemin's head, afterall. Suddenly, Jaemin felt worthless when he watches Renjun lift Jeno from the couch. Something he wouldn't be able to do, because he’s Jeno. And Jaemin doesn’t know when did the idea of touching his skin would burn Jaemin to ashes.

"Jaemin, I'll drive. It'll be dangerous if I make him lie on the backseat alone."

Another tear escaped Jaemin's eyes, and he still nods. This time, he caught himself listening. But Jaemin still frozes on his spot on the room when he watches Renjun guides Jeno out of the room. Jeno was the only person who makes Jaemin feel that he isn't worthless, and it's only now that he learns how painful it actually feels. Is this how he'd made Jeno feel all along? He was pulled out of his trance when Hendery speaks.

"Jaemin, what happened?"

Jaemin looks at him, unable to speak. Because that, he didn't know the answer of. He doesn't know what to say anymore.

Hendery exhaled loudly, and walks over him. "Jaemin, I think he overheard you speaking with someone. That's I could make out of what he's saying earlier, if I was right. He kept on crying, and saying you don't love him. What exactly happened?"

In the end, Mark was right. Jaemin should feel guilty.

The whole ride was quiet, with Jeno's head rested on his lap. Renjun wasn't saying anything either, not even asking why Jaemin was tearing up. He runs his hand on Jeno's hair, his vision blury from the tears that wouldn't stop escaping there like they don’t to be in Jaemin’s eyes anymore, running away from him.

Jaemin insist to stay inside Jeno's room. Although it's already been made clear to him that there's nothing he can do, nothing he's capable of. Then he could at least stay beside Jeno for a while. "I may not be needed here, but at least let me stay until he wakes up." He tells him, but Renjun didn't say anything and walks out of the room.

Jaemin is afraid of being hurt, that's why when he sees the hurt on Jeno's face, he turned the lights off. Terrified that just the sight of Jeno's face could make him feel even guiltier. If Jeno wakes up, Jaemin is still blank and he doesn't know what he'd say and do. So when there's a shift on the bed on the dimly lit room, and he hears Jeno whispers a "Jaemin?" He didn't hesitate on catching Jeno's lips on his.

Jaemin kisses Jeno like he meant it, or maybe he really did, until he makes a noise at the back of his throat. The sound Jeno makes is echoing inside his head, cutting the thread between them. He hovers above him and grips at his shoulders to feel him, but this time, Jeno wasn't warm. So Jaemin pulls him closer, but retracts his fingers that traces Jeno stomach, burning at the coldness of his skin.

Numbness takes over Jaemin, when Jeno pulls away and mumurs his name that shoot straight through his heart. Jaemin takes his hand, interlacing their fingers together, and it felt like the first time because Jeno didn't hold him. But Jaemin kisses him again, and Jaemin trembles another time because Jeno still tastes like blood stains and rejection, shattered and hollow. All Jaemin's mental functions falters, and Jaemin forgets how much Jeno loves him.

"Jaemin."

He freezes on his spot, and looks below to see his own tears that dropped on the bridge on Jeno's nose that travels down the corner of his eyes. Jaemin gave up all his compulsion to wipe them away, because Jeno looks so broken, that he might fall apart if he touches him again. It was suffocating, the strong fear that's wrapped around his throat, that Jeno might disappear if he blinks even for just a second.

"I'm so...sorry." Jaemin murmurs, closing his eyes. The words didn't taste like a lie in his mouth, and Jaemin couldn't recall any moment the last time he'd been honest to himself. Despite the heavy thumping of his heart, Jaemin is ready to face the consequences: the pain, the loss, and his self value. "I'm sorry." Jaemin says again, and his voice didn't waver this time. All too late, and Jaemin is aware that they've gotten to the point where Jeno doesn't believe him. The venom of his selfishness had gotten to Jeno's brain too, because Jaemin is a liar, that even his own couldn't pinpoint if he's telling the truth or not. Jaemin doesn't expect forgiveness, knowing it would only hurt him more.

Slowly, Jaemin pulls away from Jeno, and leaves the bed completely. There wasn't a hand to stop him, or to hold him to his place. With every step he takes to leave the room, feels like eternity, and Jaemin tries not to fall on his feet.

A part of him wishes Jeno would ask him to stay, like he always request of him when it's the two of them together, and Jaemin had lost to count how many times that he didn't. Another part of him wishes Jeno will let him go, because any word from him can make Jaemin come running back. But it will only be another mistake.

Silence prickles at Jaemin's chest, and he didn't attempt to look back until he's at the door step, and Jaemin knew it was all over.

The only was Jaemin could stop hurting Jeno is if he disappears from his life.

"I can't believe you still touch him at that condition. You're really imposible."

Jaemin felt his back hit the hard wall, but it didn't hurt at all. It didn't hurt either when Renjun clutches at the collar of his shirt, too fed up with all his mistakes. In fact, he wants Renjun to hit him, because that's what he deserves. But Jaemin is too weak to speak, and yet the hands that holds him like an animal lets go immediately. Initially, he would defend himself, and it's the first time that Jaemin didn't.

"It's just me and Mark right? Who knows about th--- Do you want Jisung to know too?! This shit you do to Jeno?”

Jisung. Jaemin repeats the name in his head, the personification of sanity, completely and safety that Jaemin wants to keep. But it wasn't enough to put out the flame that burns in his heart. He didn't push Renjun to the wall, or shove him back, and instead tells him, "You don't have to worry. I'm not coming back here anymore."

Despite all the bullshit Jaemin put him through, Mark still catches him when Jaemin almost stumble entering the door of their apartment. It's frustrating, because Jaemin is still wasn't alone when he supposed to be, deserved to be.

"I fucked up." Jaemin mumbles on Mark's chest, staining his dress shirt.

"When did you not fuck up?"

"I swear, this time, I really did fucked up."

Jaemin is lost in his own world, from the annoying blinding lights that swirls around the club, or the blaring music that excessively jabs at his ears. Or maybe Jaemin is too drunk, that he didn't have time to think about it when a girl in red dress had pulled him in for a kiss. Jaemin kisses her back, desperate for warmth and attention. The curves of her body isn't what Jaemin is used to touching, but he still went on and dives her for more.

The next thing he knows, Jaemin wakes up with a heavy headache, blurry eyes trying to make out of the unfamiliar place in a dimly lit room. Last night was still a blur, but Jaemin remembers the lips of the girl in a red dress against his, and that Jisung told him that he has a boyfriend, like he didn’t know how it would hurt Jaemin. Maybe he really didn’t know. The afflicting years of Jaemin's unreturned affection, insane love, torn into pieces and burned along with self hate.

He was pulled out of his trance when he sensed he wasn't alone in the room, and finds a small figure of a lady sitting on the bed, back turned against him. Jaemin couldn't see her face in the dark, and she was another mistake, so he'd rather not to.

"I see you're awake." She says, voice low.

Lost for words, Jaemin remained silent. Mind too blank to even think of a reply.

"You were moaning a guy's name, so I figured you were gay and we stopped. Nothing happened."

Jaemin doesn't know why he let's out a relieved sigh. Was he too smashed that even in a terrible situation would he take that a consolation? "I'm so sorry. I'll go now." Jaemin says, standing up.

"Grab your clothes on the floor and lock the door when you leave."

Mark couldn't feed him forever, so when Dejun, a friend from college, offers him a job that wasn't exactly but similar to his profession, Jaemin takes it. For six months, Jaemin has been working, not his dream job but he could earn for his own at the very least. He thinks it's time to find his own flat, so when Mark gets home from work one night, he talks to him immediately.

"To where? You want me to travel to the next city to nurse a drunk you?" Mark glowers at him and slumps down on the couch. He was palming his face, as though Jaemin had just come up with the worst of idea he'd ever heard anyone says.

"But staying here....reminds me of... I don't..." Jaemin stummers, unable to say it. The house reminds him completely of everything he wants to forget and move on from, and he knows if he stays even longer, might be the end of him.

"Only if you promise you'd stop drinking, which is impossible. Since you do it everyday. Honestly, Jaemin, look at yourself. You look so unhealthy, do you even sleep?" Mark chides.

"I'm going to Hendery’s apartment. He's far more patient that you are." Jaemin stated a matter of factly. Mark may be tongue-lashing him, but Jaemin knows that he's just worried.

"Ah, alright. That would do." Mark looks at Jaemin with big eyes, as though that was the most brilliant idea he ever heard anyone says.

Hendery wasn't anything he supposes to be housemates with. He's strict and preferably doesn't care about Jaemin, letting him live the drunken lifestyle he'd presumably leave back in Mark's flat. The state of being high, the liquor, and the cigarettes makes him forget. The condition to which Jaemin can sets his mind into blank; nothing to think of, and nothing to worry about.

It just happened that on one rainy day when Jaemin was coming home from work, he didn't brought any umbrella and he runs to the canopy of a bakery store, waiting for traffic light so he could cross the street. His eyes falls to the familiar figures under a large umbrella, laughing, and fingers interlaced together. Jaemin doesn't know why it hurts him. Doesn't know why a blasting of emotion louder than the thunder is stabbing through his chest, travelling to all of him to obliterate him completely.

Thought he'd already escaped, dust away all the insecurity and anguish that was in his heart. Jaemin is trapped again, with the sorrow and rigor shoving down his throat. He wants to throw up, but there's a strong grip of reality around his neck that makes it impossible.

That night, Jaemin cries again, all the tears he had to suppress after running away.

There had come a day when Jaemin had lost it all completely: his job, Hendery’s trust on him, and Mark's patience on him that's used to be unwavering. He doesn't remember when was the day his friends had to rush him to the hospital when he'd collapsed on Hendery’s door. He doesn't think much about it either after discovering the doctor's findings that his lungs are in bad condition.

So it didn't stop him from his addiction. He noticed the changes when he looks himself in the mirror: pain, skin and bones, and no one to call him handsome anymore. Jaemin is certain of throwing his life away; maybe he could slit his wrist, or hang himself in the bathroom when Hendery isn't around, or jump in front a rushing train to make it painful the way Jaemin deserves it, and wonders if hell would be warm and welcoming too.

Jaemin was sitting at the bench on the sidewalk when it started raining. Silly hood of the jacket couldn't protect him from it, and just like Jaemin, it was worthless. Yet he couldn't get himself to mind the cold, or the droplets of rain that blinds his eyes. He wonders if his parents miss him, or if his sister would still shout at him for being a stupid, reckless idiot.

He closes his eyes, mind too disintegrated to recall any happy memories he'd had with his family. Jaemin's existence wasn't the best they wished for him, and his father may not be proud of his finished credential, he wanted Jaemin to be a football star that he sees on the T.V, but Jaemin knows they love him. His mother would still hug Jaemin in her small arms, even if Jaemin didn't succeed on entering a football university in college, and tell him that everything's going to be okay. His sister will embrace him too, but would still call him stupid. His little sister would even sing him a song on his birthday.

Jaemin wishes he wasn't too complicated. By that, he could learn to be capable of loving the people around him without the trepidation of being desolated. He became what he fears the most, alone, isolated from the world, and no one could understand him. Like a dead that's still existing for the sake of his putrid soul that even hell wouldn't welcome.

The rain was accompanied with thunderstorms, but Jaemin couldn't get himself to be scared. He'd far experience pain more than he could probably just shrug it off if he gets hit by a lightning. The sound of the raindrops and beeping cars became a music, and all Jaemin could hear, and someone probably speaking that Jaemin couldn't make out of.

"Mister, it’s raining hard, what are you doing in here?"

Jaemin opens his eyes to see, and his perished world turns upside down again upon seeing the man that stood before him. Maybe it was a dream, and Jaemin wonders why was he sent in heaven when all he'd done all this time was to fuck up.

"J—Jaemin?"

Jaemin didn't have enough time to process his actions, not when his heart is hammering on his chest, overwhelmed, or when his lips trembles with the shudder of his body. He reaches out for him, hands wrapping around the frail body he'd used to memorized. But somehow it feels new, and Jaemin couldn't prevent weeping either, throat stocked up with the hell that he created himself, he's bearing this whole time. "Too late... Am I too late?"

"J—Jaemin....don’t say it."

It burns even when the slightest touch on Jaemin's chest, to realize that the embrace wasn't permitted. But Jaemin is too obtuse, and insist to take his hand. "I'm so sorry for everything." Jaemin cries, not asking for forgiveness, but demanding it. He wants everything to be okay, to go back where it used to be, so he could fix all of his mistakes, and make it better than it ever was.

"That's enough, Jaemin."

The impassiveness of the voice made Jaemin think it was over. Maybe it's been over all along, but yet there are still arms that embraced him, holds him close, that all his pain have disappeared. That not even the numbing coldness from the rain can hurt his skin anymore. The silence was defeaning, and to beg him to stay wouldn't be the best resolve Jaemin could every think after all he'd done, yet he still pleads. "Stay."

No answer.

"Why do you--you have to resort to Renjun?! When it's me that you love?! You love me don't you? I know you still do! Say it!" Jaemin cries out.

"Jaemin,"

There's a tinge of waver in his voice, a fragility that Jaemin could never fix. And Jaemin wonders if he's broken too.

"Renjun was there when you left me." His voice sounds contented, but that's anything Jaemin would want to trust. "When I thought I didn't have any worth, he made me realized that I can be important to other people too. To him. "

Jealousy was never a kind feeling. It didn't felt like a slap in the face, or a kick in the stomach, but rather empty. Jeno stood before him, a man drenched in the rain, because Jeno will be there for anyone, and not because he was Jaemin. He misses the feeling of being significant, when Jeno cares for him and only looks at him. The fire Jaemin had set took everything away, and now all he's left are the ashes of his mistakes, a sickness that can't be cured, a weakness too invincible.

Jeno wasn't just a precious possession he'd forsaken, he's more than that, and always been more than that. And Jeno's love for him, he took for granted and discarded, is something Jaemin could never get back. Jaemin loves him, and it hurts because when he realizes it, Jeno was already gone.

Jeno wouldn't be there to remind him that they'll always have each other, now that everything else is gone. Jaemin is buried in his own grave, and no one to dig him up anymore.


End file.
